a touching hymn made me think....

Life can be interesting, and boy it can really come back at you, and kick you in the bum.

When I was a young mom, I would see older couples at church and judge them. Now I didn't judge them out loud or talk about them. But I quietly judged them and summed them up. It was simple, if all of their children were active in the church they were good parents. If they had one or more children that had left the church or were not active then I decided, while they were nice, they had done something wrong as parents.

In our religion we have a conundrum we strive to live a more perfect life. We try to live our lives to be focused on Christ and his teachings. And to teach our children to live the same way. Christ is perfect and to try to live up to his life, teachings, and example takes daily work. Some days are harder than others, those are the days that we push forward, you know "Put your shoulder to the wheel, push a long." When we are with all of the other members, they all seem so perfect and we get strength from their strength. But the things we don't see are their struggles. Today we sang a song at church that touches me ever time I hear it. The phrase I love so much is, "in the quiet heart is hidden, sorrows that the eye can't see." That is the reality, there are lot's of good, strong, happy people at church. But most of them have some kind of sorrow in their "quiet hearts."

So back to when I was a young dumb judgmental mom. I would go to church and everybody would appear as close to perfect as possible. So if something happened in their lives that was less than perfect, I was shocked! Oh the Smiths aren't absolutely perfect, or the Jones have problems, well they must not be living right. I was scandalized by their imperfection. The exact opposite of what Christ teaches. He teaches to love and not judge. I judged, don't get me wrong it was all in my own mind I never said things to other people. Just had quiet judgemental thoughts in my head.

I on the other hand was living as perfect of a life as I was willing to work at. Choosing which ideals of my religion had highest priority and which ideals I would need to "work" on. In other words put those things off until I was older and felt like working on that area. I taught my children right from wrong, I taught them about God, love and service. I felt good about myself as a mom.

Wow, have I paid for my judgmental ways. There is nothing like having one of your children become a heroin addict, to humble you and bring you to your knees. The heartache, the "what if's", the total devastation of realizing that you weren't the perfect mother. That you made mistakes. The heartbreak of watching your child suffer for the really bad choices he has made. I now know that phrase well "In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrows that the eye can't see. Who am I to judge another, lord I would follow thee" It has given me so much freedom to be able to admit that things aren't perfect in my life. That I tried what I thought was my best, and things didn't work out the way I had planned. I have the freedom to love other people and not judge them. To morn with those that morn, and not have to keep up the pretence that everything is "PERFECT." I have the freedom to love my kids no matter what they do, and not because they grew up to be perfect and never make mistakes. I will admit it hurts sometimes when others look at your kids and judge them for their mistakes. Or when people not knowing what is going on in that "quiet heart", judge somebody you care about. I think that there is a lot of pain in people not judging you, but judging the people around you, you family, your friends.

I just wish when I was a young mom that we didn't all feel like we were failing if we were not perfect. We failed if we didn't have the perfect family, children, or home. I feel like we have moved away from the judging and more into "do the best you can and never quit trying." I hope that attitude will help young moms be better than me. Because "Who am I to judge another when I walk imperfectly......." I just love that song:-)